Being Assertive

Last week, I met with all of the 7th graders to talk about conflict resolution. Having been in middle school for at least 5 weeks now, I knew they would have some stories to share. Some examples they gave me were being teased, spreading rumors, dating a friend, and having problems with teachers. I then went on to explain that there are THREE WAYS that we can handle conflict:

• Being Passive: Not really "sticking up" for yourself; being a doormat and allowing others to walk all over you.
• Being Aggressive: Becoming the bully; calling other names and responding with physical violence.
• Being Assertive: Sticking up for yourself while remaining respectful.

I allowed the students to role-play these different responses. They had the most fun being passive and aggressive--but they had the most difficult time being assertive. They automatically associated assertiveness with "punking out" or "snitching." I had to explain that being assertiveness does not always mean reporting to a teacher; it means doing in your heart what you know is right.

I'm not expecting miracles overnight. In all honesty, it took me 20 years to finally become assertive; I was always the passive type who couldn't say no--even when I knew it would get me in trouble! However, the more we, as adults, model this assertive behavior, the more our children/students will follow suit.

For more information on assertiveness training, please see the link below:

http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetailsKids.aspx?p=335&np=287&id=2411

Trust

Okay, instead of offering insight, I think I may need some myself this time. Let's say that your principal assigns you to select a group of students to complete a task. This task allows them to miss a a class or two. Now, let's say that you decide to pick students who are not overly involved with many activities. In other words, these are the students that usually fly under the radar, and when they are not under the radar, they're getting in trouble.

Now, let's say that you tell these students beforehand that they were chosen out of the WHOLE SCHOOL to complete this duty, and that you (despite what others may tell them), actually trust them to complete this task with no problems at all.

Finally, their task is done, you sign their passes to return to class and...they roam the hall instead. NO! This is by far my worst nightmare. I like to show all students the same amount of positive attention. I don't care if they've made mistakes in the past, or if former teachers warn me about them. I truly believe students will never change for the better with negative reinforcement. That's why I'm a strong advocate in showing ALL students that I believe in them. I must say, though, that it does sting a little when the students that you give a chance prove their naysayers right.

I may complain about this now, but I know that my attitude won't change. I think it's fine to let kids know when they have disappointed you, but then it's time to let it go. If everyone that we've disappointed before continued to hold grudges against us, I'm sure that it would take an extra effort just to get out of bed in the morning. That's exactly how some kids feel about coming to school. Why show up to a place where everyone thinks I'll mess up?

Hey, I guess I did just offer insight--and I've actually helped reevaluate my thinking on the scenario that I mentioned above. :)